think back to a time when you felt like you mattered. 

when there was nothing but happiness in your life, and you felt like you could take on the fucking world with nothing but a smile on your face. 

think back to when you knew that no matter the obstacle, something in you repeated the words, over and over, “YOU CAN DO THIS”.  when the simple hug of a friend or a coworker, or a lover or a family member could make everything okay again. 

remember that feeling, bottle it up, and try to turn it into something you feel RIGHT NOW. 

it’s hard sometimes, isn’t it?

we push the boundaries of our self-worth only so far sometimes, and nothing seems to turn out the way we want it to.  be it a friend telling you how it is, or your sister calling you names.  a boyfriend or girlfriend breaking up with you for reasons you can’t possibly understand.  and it destroys us.  whether we want it to or not, whether we want to give people that power or not. 

i’ve been more than honest about what music means to me.  now it’s time to etch in stone what LIFE can mean to me. 

i’m wrapped up in a moment where i can’t choose what matters and what doesn’t.  family matters.  your best friends matter.  music matters.  work matters.  but underneath all of those things that are important to someone, i just can’t seem to find where I MATTER. 

i’m intelligent.  i’m loving, appreciative, and full of hope for what is possible in the future.  i’m talented as shit.  i can put words down on paper better than i can face to face, but i still have the skills to translate them when i need to.  i am beautiful, i am something.  and as much as i want to believe those things, sometimes we give others the power to help us NOT believe them. 

it’s never anyone in particular really, just moments in time that pass where you’re left wondering what the hell your purpose is.  i learned that from an ex, PURPOSE.  he was so hellbent on having a purpose he didn’t quite stop to understand that what was happening to him WAS his purpose. 

i’m caught in the middle.  i have an album to finish and release, a new found appreciation for a voiceover and acting career, i have a family i love, friends i love, and people to meet and places to go.  none of that matters as much as FEELING like i have those things.  i’m about to embark on a journey in my life that not a lot of people understand.  for that, it can be a seriously lonely road. 

i work myself to the bone trying to understand what it all means sometimes.  the truth?  maybe we aren’t supposed to know what it means.  maybe we’re supposed to go through life blind wondering what happens next.  there’s no plan really.  only the goals we set for ourselves that could POSSIBLY be what happens.  as sick of those things as we sometimes are, maybe we’re just supposed to let it go the way it’s supposed to.  good or bad. 

the one thing i know, and the one thing i can honestly say in my heart is that there just IS no preparing for things sometimes.  doesn’t matter how awesome your life is, shit creeps up, it stings you in the ass, and you’re left going, “what the fuck? i did everything right, didn’t i?”

and this isn’t about love.  it’s not about friendship, or family.  it’s about you.  it’s about thinking about the last time you really mattered.  and not to someone else, but to YOURSELF.  think back to the last time you said, I LOVE MY LIFE.  I LOVE WHO I AM.  I LOVE WHAT’S HAPPENING.  i’m making a difference.  i’m making the right choices. 

if it’s today, i’m proud of you.  because you matter to yourself.  you don’t let anyone pass you by, and you take life by the balls, and make it for YOURSELF.  selfishness is not always a bad thing. 

i’m trying to get there.  i’m trying to get it back, get ME back to where i belong.  that shit takes time, it’s not a secret.  i want to matter to me.  nevermind mattering to someone else, family or otherwise.  i want to take all the good and all the flaws within me and let em shine, bright and sunny.  don’t take shit from anyone but yourself.  no regrets.  no hatred. 

i know it’s silly, but there’s always going to be a moment that i look back to from a television show that i reflect on.  the words hit me, and they stuck.  greg laswell describes it all perfectly.  he’s brilliant in that sense.  so good at describing the pain we face to get to the painless.  i love him and his lyrical genius for that, and he’ll probably never know it. 

the words can be interpreted in many ways.  they can be pushed in whatever direction you choose.  but to me, it translates into all of the things around you that MATTER. 

including yourself…. 

“did you say it?  i love you.  i don’t ever want to live without you.  you changed my life.  did you say it?  make a plan.  set a goal.  work toward it.  but every now and then, look around.  drink it in.  cause this is it.  it may all be gone tomorrow….”

off i go…. 

j.